Just Calamarried Read online

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Chapter 1.

  Chapter 2.

  Chapter 3.

  Chapter 4.

  Chapter 5.

  Chapter 6.

  Chapter 7.

  Chapter 8.

  Chapter 9.

  Chapter 10.

  Chapter 11.

  Chapter 12.

  Chapter 13.

  Chapter 14.

  Chapter 15.

  Keep Reading for an exclusive excerpt from Our Shellfish Desires, book 6 of the Sucker for Love Mysteries by K.L. Hiers

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  Copyright

  Just Calamarried

  By K.L. Hiers

  A Sucker for Love Mystery

  Newlyweds Sloane and Loch are eagerly expecting their first child, though for Sloane that excitement is tempered by pregnancy side effects. Carrying a god’s baby would be enough to deal with, especially with the whole accelerated gestation thing, but it’s not like Sloane can take maternity leave. He works for himself as a private investigator. Which leads him to his next case.

  At least this strange new mystery distracts him from the stress of constant puking.

  When two priests are murdered within hours of each other, a woman named Daphne hires Sloane and Loch to track down the prime suspect—her brother—before the police do. Between untangling a conspiracy of lies and greed, going toe-to-toe with a gangster, and stealing a cat, they hardly have time to decorate a nursery….

  Chapter 1.

  SLOANE BEAUMONT had known and persevered through many hardships: the death of his parents, losing his job as a detective, and the struggle of establishing his own private investigation business.

  Oh, and saving the world from ancient murderous eldritch gods who wanted to awaken their even more murderous father and destroy all of humanity, of course.

  He was a fighter, a warrior, a Starkiller amongst mortals.

  It was hard to believe he was being beaten by morning sickness.

  Then again, it was crazy enough dealing with the fact he even had it to begin with, since men usually couldn’t get pregnant. Most men, however, weren’t married to a very well-meaning but ultimately irresponsible god.

  “You are the most beautiful creature in all of the universe,” Loch was soothing. “Even when you are depositing your stomach contents into the porcelain bowl, you are stunning, my sweet mate.”

  “Oh, by the gods.” Sloane groaned and rested his head against the toilet seat. “That’s very nice. And very gross. Thank you.”

  “Here, my love.” Loch presented him with a slitted tentacle, the tip ghosting over Sloane’s lips.

  “Thanks.” Sloane lightly sucked on the tentacle, closing his eyes as a rush of sweet liquid flooded his mouth. It was the divine nectar of a god, easing his nausea and the cramps in his stomach immediately.

  It was also technically Loch’s come.

  Though it was sort of weird to drink it so casually, it had incredible healing properties, and Sloane could use all the help he could get right now.

  Carrying the child of an ancient god was turning out to be a real pain in the ass.

  “I don’t understand,” Sloane grumbled as he got up to wash his face. “The first three months were great. Solved some cases, went apartment hunting, got the one with the extra bedroom I liked, got everything packed and moved, no problems. Not a one! Awesome. I didn’t get sick, I felt wonderful, I was happy. And now….” He threw up his hands. “This!”

  “I’m sorry, my sweet Starkiller.” Loch frowned. “Gods don’t usually spawn with mortals. I’m not sure exactly what we should expect with this pregnancy.”

  “What happens with the gods?” Sloane dried off with a towel. “There’s not much written about the actual spawning. Just that, you know, some of you choose to do it by yourselves whenever you want.”

  “It can vary. Many gods mate and one will carry a spawn for nine months exactly as mortals do. The triplets, Eb, Ebb, and Ebbeth, on the other hand, were spawned directly from Baub’s breast with a mere thought. My half sister, Chandraleth? Salgumel carried her for a hundred years before giving birth.”

  Sloane paled. “I might be pregnant for a hundred years?”

  “No!” Loch paused. “Probably not. It’s unlikely. You could always lay an egg instead of giving live birth. I think one of my uncles did that.”

  Groaning, Sloane dragged himself into their bedroom. “By all the gods, I’ll be in a nursing home by the time I’m having our egg baby!”

  Loch was right behind him and gently swept him up in a tentacle-filled embrace.

  The touch of Loch’s true flesh was always wonderful and flooded Sloane’s entire body with a rush of sweet warmth. It was the touch of a divine being, and it was without comparison. Even so, Sloane’s thoughts were determined to make him miserable.

  “Two words,” Sloane grumbled. “Egg baby.”

  “My sweet Starkiller, all will be well,” Loch promised, kissing Sloane’s hands. “My family will be visiting soon for your Neun Monde celebration. My mother is the goddess of fertility! If anyone can help us with your pregnancy, it is she.”

  “Yeah, but my ‘Neun Monde’ might not be nine months! It might be a century! When are we supposed to have it?”

  “I am not qualified to answer that.”

  “Is there any way you could maybe call your mom now? Maybe she can hook me up with one of her blessings?”

  “I can call my sister. She always hears me. I’ll let her know to bring Mother as soon as possible so we can take care of you.”

  “Thank you.” Sloane sighed in relief. “There, now I feel better.”

  “Really?” Loch beamed.

  “Yes.” Sloane kissed him. “I love you.”

  “I love you, my beautiful mate.” Loch nuzzled against Sloane’s neck. “I worry you are still angry with me.”

  “For what? The baby?” Sloane closed his eyes, leaning into Loch’s soft kisses. “No, I’m not mad. I’m just… well, I’m scared. I’m worried about our child, how all of this is gonna work.”

  “I swear by all the stars in the sky that no harm will befall you or our child.” Loch hugged Sloane, and more of his tentacles unfurled from his arms to hold him closer. “I will take care of you. Always.”

  “What if I get fat?”

  “Growing with child is a beautiful miracle, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Even if my hormones get all crazy?”

  “And you require more attention of a sexual nature? I’m always up for more mating, and I believe it would honestly improve our marriage.”

  “What if I start craving weird foods?” Sloane challenged. “Like pickles and pineapple on pizza?”

  “Then I shall learn to make the pickles and pineapples on pizza for you.”

  Sloane chuckled. “I seem to remember someone having trouble with cookies. Think you can handle pizza?”

  “Ah!” Loch turned up his nose. “The cookies were not my fault! Their wretchedly burned bottoms were the fault of your inferior cookie sheet!”

  “Oh, clearly.”

  Loch picked Sloane up and carried him to their bed, cuddling with him and petting his stomach. “Once I added parchment paper as Chef Ramsey suggested, the issue was resolved.”

  “You could use your godly powers and poof some perfect cookies into existence, you know.” Sloane laid his hand over Loch’s. “Be a lot easier. And probably safer.”

  Beneath his very attractive redheaded vessel, Loch was a giant tentacled dragon deity named Azaethoth the Lesser. He was
the god of thieves and divine retribution. He was also a huge fan of cooking shows and had become a bit obsessed. However, his godly powers hadn’t exactly translated into a natural culinary gift, and Sloane now kept two fire extinguishers in the kitchen.

  “That would be cheating,” Loch protested. “I will master the culinary arts without the aid of magic, as Chef Ramsey does, and I will use these skills to woo you.”

  “Still mad about our wedding cake, aren’t you?”

  “You moaned.”

  “It was really good!” Sloane tried not to laugh.

  “Moaned.”

  “I won’t ask your mother to make it ever again.” He kissed Loch’s pouting lips. “Promise.”

  “You’re a very considerate husband. Thank you.” Loch’s tentacles wound around Sloane’s legs and hips. “Mm, how are you feeling now?”

  “Better. Not as sick.” Sloane placed his hand over Loch’s on his stomach. “Can I…?”

  “Of course, my love.”

  With a thought, Sloane could now feel their baby’s heartbeat fluttering beneath his palm through Loch’s hand. It was fast and strong, and it made Sloane smile. No matter how many times he had to throw up or whatever else he might have to face, it was going to be worth it.

  “Our child,” Loch whispered reverently.

  “It’s amazing. Scary and weird, but still amazing.” Sloane grinned. “Can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl yet?”

  “Not yet. Soon, if you’d really like to know.”

  “Maybe we should let it be a surprise. Decorate the nursery in purples and greens, something neutral.”

  “I still do not understand how colors have genders. This makes no sense.”

  “It’s how people do things.” Sloane shrugged. “It’s what’s expected.”

  Loch huffed. “Well, I am a god, and I will do whatever I want. I do not care for doing what is ‘expected’ of me.”

  “What about when I told you to quit threatening the mailman and expected you to stop?” Sloane cracked a smile.

  “After I stole the keys to his mail transportation vehicle and saw him cry, peeling his skin off seemed pointless. He is not a worthy opponent.”

  “You’re awful.” Sloane kissed his cheek and sat up with a groan.

  “I’m wonderful.” Loch rubbed Sloane’s back, his tentacles still curled around him. “Why are you moving? It’s difficult to properly snuggle you in this position.”

  “Because I have to go to work,” Sloane reminded him. “I have a ton of paperwork to catch up on, and we have a new case. That thing I do to make money to pay for things, like the rent of our new apartment.”

  Expecting a child had dictated a home with an extra bedroom for a nursery, and they’d moved a few weeks ago with little incident.

  Well, other than Loch threatening the moving staff with his godly wrath for dropping a few boxes.

  “How about—” Loch leaned in close and smooched Sloane’s neck. “—you allow me to go on a caper with Lochlain and steal something to make money?”

  “No. Because that’s illegal.” Sloane shivered. “And… and… mmm, that feels good.”

  “Just one teeny, tiny little theft,” Loch pleaded as his mouth continued to move along Sloane’s jaw. “It will be most profitable.”

  “It’s not about the money. It’s about the crime.”

  “Then I will return the item once we’ve stolen it,” Loch promised. “Is that acceptable, my love?”

  “Mmm, maybe.”

  Expecting the god of thieves not to steal ever again was like hoping water wouldn’t be wet.

  “If you swear you’ll take it back,” Sloane began, “whatever it is, and you won’t let Lochlain get in any trouble….”

  “As if I would let any misfortune befall my most devoted disciple!” Loch actually looked offended by the thought.

  “Well, he did technically get murdered that one time.”

  “Oh, that is down.”

  “I think you mean ‘that’s low’?” Sloane teased.

  “Your father is very mean,” Loch whispered loudly to Sloane’s stomach. “Bringing up my failings like this is cruel.”

  “Hey, if he hadn’t been murdered, you would have never come down here and taken over his body to get revenge, remember? We wouldn’t have ever met.” Sloane fluffed Loch’s curly hair. “So I, for one, am thankful for your failings.”

  “Hmmph.”

  “Not that you ever really fail, because you’re a perfect and absolutely infallible immortal who I’m madly in love with and enjoy mating with for hours and hours.” Sloane smirked. “Better?”

  “May I assist Lochlain in a caper?”

  “As long as you promise to return what you steal and behave yourself, yes.”

  “There. Now I feel better.”

  “Good.” Sloane wasn’t sure if giving his husband leave to commit a potential felony was wise, but Loch did look so happy right now. Sloane didn’t want to take that away from him.

  And besides, Loch was the literal god of thieves. He should be able to handle any theft with ease.

  “Is it time for the work now?” Loch asked.

  “Yes. Missing persons case.”

  “Ah, I’m very good at those!”

  “Oh?” Sloane stood and stretched, rubbing his belly as he headed into the kitchen. “Since when?”

  “I solved the last one,” Loch said proudly.

  “No, you didn’t!”

  “Yes, I did,” Loch argued. “The cat did it.”

  “The cat who was actually a shapeshifting Asra from Xenon.” Sloane poured himself some juice from the fridge and took a thoughtful sip. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. But only because you figured out he wasn’t actually a cat.”

  “Tell me the details of our new case.” Loch took out some eggs and milk, bustling around to make breakfast. “I shall solve it as effortlessly as I provide you and our child with morning sustenance.”

  “Missing person is Nathaniel Ware,” Sloane replied. “He’s twenty-four, last seen two weeks ago at work. Never came home after his last shift. Lives with his sister, Daphne Ware, and she’s the one who called us. She says the police aren’t doing enough to find him.”

  “Ah, the sister did it, then!” Loch declared as he whipped the eggs around in a bowl, using his tentacles to add salt and pepper while his hands stirred. “Calling us was merely a ruse to avoid suspicion. I’ve done it again.”

  Sloane ignored him and continued, “He’d just gotten a new job working at a bar, really seemed to like it. He was trying to save for college, wanted to study art. Oh, and get this. She said he was getting involved with a local Sagittarian coven.”

  “Sages?” Loch perked up. “There’s a coven here now?”

  “Apparently. Better than another cult, I guess.”

  “Oh! Unless the coven is actually a new cult hiding in plain sight, and they’re harboring fugitive Salgumel cultists like the ones who escaped when we helped Uncle Gordoth and Chase save Ollie.”

  “Okay, first of all, you’ve been watching way too many movies again, but… strong maybe.”

  Loch and his ancient immortal family were once worshipped by witches called Sages. After the gods fell into a deep sleep called the dreaming, their worship declined over many centuries until the religion faded into near extinction.

  Sloane was raised Sagittarian by his devout parents, but he had never even met another Sage until Lochlain at that fateful party last year. The Sagittarian faith was considered a joke by most, and having enough followers to justify the need for a coven was surprising.

  It was also troubling.

  “Do you think it’s because of my brothers?” Loch asked, frowning.

  “Yeah. I mean, what else could it be?” Sloane fidgeted with his glass. “Between Tollmathan and Gronoch and all their crazy schemes, more and more people are finding out the gods are real. Look at how many people know just from me finding out.”

  “It’s not that many.”


  “Milo, Lynette, Lochlain, Robert, Fred, Ell, Jay, Alexander, Rota—”

  “Rota doesn’t count because he’s already a god.”

  “Ollie, Chase. I won’t say Merrick because yes, okay, he’s also a god.”

  “Fine, so there are… more than a few.” Loch snorted.

  “And think of all those people who were working for Gronoch at Hazel and all the Salgumel cultists with that Jeff Martin guy. They all saw you and Merrick in all your godly glory when we saved Ollie from the whole human sacrifice thing. That’s even more people. It’s bound to keep spreading.”

  “And potentially cause worldwide mass panic?” Loch carefully poured the eggs into a frying pan on the stove.

  “I sure fuckin’ hope not,” Sloane mumbled. “But yeah.” His cell phone rang. “Huh.”

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s Chase.” Sloane answered the call on speaker. “Hey, Chase! How’s it going?”

  Elwood Q. Chase was a detective with the Archersville Police Department. He and Sloane had worked together years ago, before Sloane was fired for abusing police resources trying to solve the murder of his parents. Chase was loud, a bit crass, but a fine detective.

  “Hey,” Chase greeted him. “Good, good! How’s, ahem, the little godly bun in the oven?”

  “Good. Great.” Sloane grinned. “How are you and Merrick? Everything all good on your side of godly love land?”

  Detective Benjamin Merrick was actually Gordoth the Untouched, Loch’s uncle, and the Sagittarian god of justice. The real Merrick had died and, like Loch had done with Lochlain, Gordoth had taken over Merrick’s body.

  He had also recently started dating Chase.

  “Oh, fuckin’ awesome!” Chase cleared his throat. “I mean, you know, it’s good. Anyway.”

  “How’s the mating going?” Loch asked loudly. “Uncle! Is he there? Can you hear me? Did you get the artificially strawberry flavored lubricant I recommended?”

  “We’re looking into it, Loch.” Chase chuckled.

  “What’s up?” Sloane asked. “Is Ollie okay?”

  Ollie was Chase’s nephew, who had narrowly survived being a human sacrifice recently.

  “Oh, he’s okay. You know, uh, he’s staying close to the house.” Chase sighed. “I’m keeping an eye on him.”