Kraken My Heart Read online

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Chapter 1.

  Chapter 2.

  Chapter 3.

  Chapter 4.

  Chapter 5.

  Chapter 6.

  Chapter 7.

  Chapter 8.

  Chapter 9.

  Chapter 10.

  Chapter 11.

  Chapter 12.

  Chapter 13.

  Chapter 14.

  Chapter 15.

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  About the Author

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  Copyright

  Kraken My Heart

  By K.L. Hiers

  A Sucker For Love Mystery

  It’s just Ted’s luck that he meets the love of his life while covered in the blood of a murder victim.

  Funeral worker Ted Sturm has a foul mouth, a big heart, and a knack for communicating with the dead. Unfortunately the dead don’t make very good friends, and Ted’s only living pal, his roommate, just rescued a strange cat who’s determined to make his life even more miserable. This cat is more than he seems, and soon Ted finds himself in an alternate dimension… and on top of a dead body.

  When Ted is accused of murder, his only ally in a strange world full of powerful magical beings calling for his head is King Grell, a sarcastic, randy, catlike immortal with impressive abilities… and anatomy. The two soon find themselves at the center of a cosmic conspiracy and surrounded by dangerous enemies. But with Ted’s special skills and Grell’s magic, they have a chance to get to the bottom of the mystery and save Ted. There’s just one problem: Ted’s got to resist Grell’s aggressive advances… and he isn’t sure he wants to.

  Chapter 1.

  TED STURM stared up at the spiral staircase that separated him from the dead body awaiting transport upstairs, and he began to have second thoughts about his career in the funeral business.

  He’d been working at Crosby-Ayers for almost ten years now, and he was tired.

  He was tired of working all night just to go into work at eight o’clock the next morning with no sleep. He was tired of seeing horrible things, fighting off bouts of depression, and wading through unspeakable fluids.

  And most of all, he was so damn tired of stairs.

  Not that Ted struggled physically. He was a big guy, built like an oak tree, and he didn’t even use any magic to work out. His coworkers called him “Teddy Bear,” and he was everyone’s favorite to go on call with because they all knew how strong he was.

  Even so, stairs were a bitch. Spiral in particular, because there was no way to get the stretcher up them safely. It simply would not be able to make the tight turns. They would have to carry the deceased man down in their arms.

  Luckily, the man was quite small, and Ted could have easily carried him down on his own. His partner for the evening, Kitty York, was finishing up speaking to the family while he waited by the front door.

  Tugging at his tie, Ted sighed audibly. Removals of this kind were always done in a full suit and tie, never mind the physical obstacles ahead of him. It was tradition to show respect for the families and for the person who had passed.

  As his balls started to sweat and itch from the generous heat flowing through the house, Ted decided he was not a fan of traditions.

  There wasn’t much else he could do until Kitty was done, and it sounded like the family had a lot of questions. If the scent of burning sage wasn’t a big enough clue, the giant relief of Salgumel over the couch told him the family were almost definitely Sagittarian.

  The vivid image of the leering tentacled god was startling, and he swore it was staring at him.

  Ted had been raised Lucian by his parents, but working in the funeral home had given him lots of insight into other religions. He knew that Sages always buried their dead after an intimate washing ceremony performed by the family. They wouldn’t ever embalm or cremate, and the services would be relatively brief.

  The celebration-of-life feast that followed the burial, however, could last days. He’d heard some families kept the party going in their homes for weeks, or at least until a new moon.

  A lot of the ritual varied, depending on which gods the deceased and their family favored. Unlike Lucians, who only worshipped the Lord of Light, Sages had hundreds to choose from. Salgumel, God of Dreams and Sleep, was a pretty popular one. There was something about him being the first to go to sleep and taking the other gods with him. It was why people said the religion had died out, but Ted wasn’t sure.

  He also saw lots of family photographs with smiling faces and plenty of kids and grandkids. There were vacations and visits to amusement parks, and it seemed like the gentleman who’d died had led a pretty full life.

  It made Ted smile but also sad. He wasn’t thinking about the family who was mourning, but selfishly for his own life.

  If he kicked the bucket right then and there, who would miss him?

  Maybe his parents, but he barely spoke to them these days, and he hadn’t seen his younger brother in years. His last serious relationship had ended miserably, he hadn’t had another steady boyfriend in months because of his crazy schedule, and his only friends were coworkers.

  Well, he reconsidered, his roommate might miss him.

  He and Jay Tintenfisch had met last year at—where else—a funeral. It was for Jay’s great-grandmother, and when Jay mentioned that he needed a new place to stay, Ted was happy to offer his spare bedroom.

  They both liked the same movies, had similar taste in music, and Jay was a wonderful roommate. He was clean, always paid his share of the rent on time, and they got along great.

  Except for that damn cat.

  “Ah, that was the grandkids’ first beach trip,” an elderly man’s voice said, interrupting Ted’s lonely thoughts. “The tiny one, Macy, she loved it. She was so brave. Just charged right into that ocean like she’d been doing it all her life.”

  Ted turned to find the picture he was referring to, seeing a crowd of smiling faces on a sandy beach, except one little boy who was screaming.

  “That’s Junior. He was not a fan,” the man explained with a fond chuckle. “We probably took twenty pictures, and he was hollering like hell in every single one of them.”

  Ted nodded and smiled warmly. He didn’t want to openly comment in case any of the family was close by.

  After all, the elderly man who was talking to him was dead upstairs.

  “My wife,” the elderly man said, reaching out to touch an old portrait. His hand went right through the frame, and he recoiled. “I think… I think I’ll miss her the most.”

  The longing in his voice made Ted’s heart ache. He could see the man’s lips twisting back, as if he was about to cry. He wanted to say something, perhaps try to comfort him, anything—

  “Ready?” Kitty’s hushed voice asked as she approached Ted with a few family members following her.

  “Yes,” he grunted, offering the family a polite smile as he followed Kitty upstairs. Each twist of the staircase made his stomach drop, listening to the elderly man following him.

  “We met at a movie theater,” he was saying. “It was so crowded, and we ended up sitting next to each other… as soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one. Our anniversary was gonna be next month. It would have been fifty-four years….”

  Despite the obvious circumstances, Ted realized he was jealous of the dead man. It wasn’t that Ted craved a giant house full of nice stuff or a pack of grandkids. He wanted someone, just one special someone, to share his life with.

  Every day was the same. Work all night, work all day, try to catch up on errands and bills on his few days off before it was right back to the g
rind. It didn’t help that his job was particularly depressing and he only met new people on what was almost always the worst day of their lives.

  Not exactly a great way to find potential dates.

  Even when he did manage to get one, he ran into a new set of obstacles. Trying to make time for a boyfriend was a nightmare, and there were always certain expectations he was tired of fulfilling.

  Oh, and constantly hearing and seeing dead people. That didn’t help either.

  He and Kitty wrapped the gentleman in a sheet and worked together to carefully maneuver him down the stairs. They’d left the stretcher at the bottom of the steps and laid him down gently when they got there, Ted quickly moving to adjust the pillow beneath his head.

  They secured the straps, covered him with the cot cover, and then Kitty went over to say goodbye to the family while Ted waited again.

  He didn’t want to talk to the family. Not that he couldn’t, but he was awkward, and he never knew what to say. Kitty was a natural with people, always sweet and empathetic to their pain. Even with the most belligerent relations, she could keep her cool and calm them down.

  It also didn’t help that Ted usually had to contend with his own unique conversations. Trying to talk to a grieving spouse while their deceased partner screamed at them about picking out the right color socks for the funeral was extremely difficult.

  Ted and Kitty rolled the gentleman out to their van, and Ted loaded the stretcher into the back. He wasn’t sure if the family was watching them, but he made sure to take his time and be as courteous as possible when he shut the door.

  He glanced back up to where the family was hovering on their front porch. The elderly gentleman was standing with them, and he waved.

  Ted nodded politely in reply and took his seat behind the wheel, waiting for Kitty to get buckled up before beginning to drive back to the funeral home.

  “That went well,” Kitty chirped. “Nice family.”

  “Yeah,” Ted said absently, focusing on the road. It was after midnight, and his thoughts were all over the place.

  “What’s wrong?” Kitty asked. She’d always been good at reading people, and Ted was no exception.

  “You sure you’re licensed for earth magic and not some kind of divine mind reading?” Ted joked.

  Anyone who used magic had to be licensed to practice. Just like driving a car, there were tests and fees. There were severe consequences for being caught practicing without one.

  Magic was strictly regulated into five schools based on the elements of fire, water, air, earth, and the divine. Divine was arguably the most powerful, as it combined abilities from all the other schools and offered powers considered most unique.

  There were also those who couldn’t use any magic, and they had to register as voids. Sages called them Silenced, Ted had heard. He was a borderline void. He’d shown only the bare minimum in the school of air with inclinations toward the divine, but nothing had ever really manifested.

  Even with wands or staves, he couldn’t cast the simplest spell without it fizzling out. He’d given up on having any magic until he started working for the funeral home.

  When he encountered his first dead body, he finally learned what his true gift was.

  “Did someone say hello?” Kitty asked politely.

  Ted sighed. There was no point in hiding it. He’d worked with Kitty for a few months now, and she knew about his ability. It was hard to hide, considering their line of work.

  “Yeah,” he said, jerking his head back to indicate the deceased gentleman resting behind them. “Someone did.”

  “Was he okay?”

  “He’s fine,” Ted replied. “He didn’t try to follow me or anything. He stayed there with his family. He seemed good, you know, for a dead guy.”

  “So, you think he’ll move on?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I wish I could hear them,” Kitty said wistfully.

  “No.” Ted shook his head. “No, you really don’t.”

  Sometimes Ted regretted telling her. Like most people, she was envious because such magic was rare. People thought he could reach out to long-lost relatives and deliver messages and seek out the wisdom of the other side.

  In reality, it was unpredictable, often terrifying, and Ted had absolutely no control over it. It was seemingly random whether he encountered a spirit or not, much less if they were willing or able to communicate.

  Some spirits were friendly like the gentleman he’d met earlier, others didn’t even seem to notice Ted at all, and then there were the angry ones. They would scream and curse and try to attack Ted, threatening him with violence and endless torture if he didn’t help them. They seemed to be under the impression that they were somehow trapped and didn’t realize they were actually dead.

  Although they were rare, they were also the only ones who would follow Ted home.

  Well, except that one little boy….

  “Sorry,” Kitty said quickly. “I know it must be awful sometimes. I’m just… I’m just so curious. I wish I could talk to them. Ask them questions.”

  “Like what? What happens when we die?” Ted scoffed. “They don’t know any more than we do. Some of ’em tell me there’s a bright light calling them. Some of ’em say they see some kind of bridge.”

  “Xenon,” Kitty said.

  “Huh?”

  “The bridge,” Kitty explained. “Sages believe that all souls cross a bridge in a place called Xenon to reach the home of the gods.”

  “Right. Off to Zebulon or whatever.” He leaned back as they approached a traffic light, sighing to himself. “Look, what I’m trying to say is that talking to them ain’t what you think it is. They don’t know what’s going on, and honestly, I avoid talkin’ to them.”

  “Why?” Kitty asked, a note of hesitation in her voice.

  “Because, no offense, they’re just as bad as the living,” Ted replied. “They just want more and more from you. You try to do one nice thing for them, like tell their wife they still love ’em or make sure they get buried in some special skirt, and it’s never enough.

  “They keep asking and asking, and it just, fuck, it sucks you dry trying to keep them happy. They will never move on as long as they think they can get you to do shit for them. So fuck it. I just ignore them now.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was that bad.”

  “It’s usually not,” Ted said, flipping on his turn signal as he drove them into the parking lot by the funeral home’s garage. “There’s only been a few that have harassed me like that, and it was my fault for trying to talk to them in the first damn place.”

  “You ever thought about trying to find a specialist witch?” Kitty offered. “Maybe someone who can help you tune them out?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, why not?”

  “Kitty girl, I don’t want nobody knowing I got this,” Ted said sternly. “Talking with the dead is one step away from necromancy, and I ain’t going to jail because some damn ghosts get bitchy about what stupid shit their families bring to bury them in.”

  Necromancy was forbidden by law and considered extremely taboo. Any information on such forbidden magic had been destroyed and was thought lost to the passage of time. It only seemed to exist in rumors and whispers, but Ted suspected there were still some practitioners working in secret.

  After all, ghouls were still being raised. By attaching a human soul to a physical copy of their body after death, a person’s life could be extended until the body gave out and went rotten. It was very illegal and quite uncommon, though he had seen a few over the years.

  Communication with the dead like what Ted had was even more rare. It wasn’t illegal, but it was highly regulated. It had its own special licensure, and Ted had avoided revealing his unique skill. He didn’t want the attention or the potential headache.

  “Fair enough,” Kitty said, waiting for the van to stop at the garage door of the funeral home before getting out to open it.

  Ted
backed up so they could unload, grateful that Kitty finally dropped the subject once they were back inside. They placed the gentleman in their walk-in cooler, finished their paperwork, and Ted was ready to go home.

  “You off tomorrow?” Kitty asked as they locked up.

  “You mean today?” Ted smirked after glancing at his watch. “Yeah, I’m off. And all I’m doing is sleeping.”

  “Doris is gonna be heartbroken,” Kitty teased. “She was planning on bringing in cupcakes, and I know she made some strawberry ones just for you.”

  “Send Doris my regrets, but I ain’t comin’ back, even for her baking. Just gotta make it through the next few hours without a damn call and I’m free for two days.”

  “Well, try to get some good sleep!” Kitty laughed, waving farewell as they parted ways in the parking lot. “Night, Teddy Bear!”

  “Good night, Kitty girl!” Ted waved, getting settled in his car and making ready to leave. He didn’t even glance up when he heard a soft giggle in the back seat.

  “Hey, little buddy.”

  There was a quiet shuffling and then silence.

  Cranking the car up, Ted asked casually, “Wanna go down the crazy road today?”

  There was an urgent tap on his shoulder.

  That was a yes.

  Ted smiled. “Let’s go.”

  There were two ways to get back to the apartment he shared with Jay. One was direct and took him through downtown. The other circled around the city, added about twenty minutes, but it went down a long and curvy stretch of road.

  That was the crazy road, and it was the route the little boy liked the most.

  Ted made sure to take the turns hard and hit every bump and pothole he could, grinning when he heard lots of delighted laughing behind him. “Hang on, little buddy! Big one coming up!”

  The boy had been with him for months, though Ted didn’t know where he had come from. While he’d sadly encountered his fair share of deceased children in his line of work, he’d never met this boy through his work at the funeral home.

  He had shown up in Ted’s bedroom wanting to play one night and had simply never left.